Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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