My friends, they love my intelligence
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
How external is "for external use only"?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
