dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
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Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
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Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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