just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
