3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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