New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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