Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
