i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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