I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
