So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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