I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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