oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
there's paper in my vomit.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
