I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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