u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
