Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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