Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
