phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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