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I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
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