My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?