We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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