Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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