I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
What drink are we having for lunch?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
