That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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