Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
