20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize