last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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