Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
