Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
