i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
