So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
