I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
