She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
