Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
