Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My Higher Power is John Stamos
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
