I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
