Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
