Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
