They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
