There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
