You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
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In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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