After last night, I could never be a politician.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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