I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
