She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
