Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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