I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize