someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
