shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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