she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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