those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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