i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
