Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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