your parents love me but you hate me
just tell him i said nine months
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
