Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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