I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
