if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
