I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
