just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wish I only lived at night.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
