I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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