so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
