so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
