I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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