just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i think i have herpe
just one?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
True strength comes from lack of pants
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
