there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
