i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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