woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
