Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I enjoy the company of your penis
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
