turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
