Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
