Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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